


Coming Out (Staying In)

by ffrindyddraig



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gay Xander, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, POV Second Person, Spoilers for whole show, or rather lack of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25155079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffrindyddraig/pseuds/ffrindyddraig
Summary: Xander just needs the right time to come out.
Kudos: 3





	Coming Out (Staying In)

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna right a what if Xander was gay instead of Willow, but ended up with this depressing fic. It's rubbish cos I wrote it in ten minutes after midnight. So, yeah, sorry.

You kiss Oz in the back of his van.

It leaves you both frozen. He pulls away. You panic.

You know you're gay, known for a while. Since you went through puberty and started looking, thinking, jerking off about men. Not that you told anyone. Not that you even thought about it for too long. Only no amount of 'Buffy is hot' or 'I'm dating Cordy' will cover it now.

Because you acted on it.

And you can't ever take that back.

*

He's cool about it. Of course he is, that's why you fell head over heels for him. And he doesn't tell anyone. Not even Willow. Which just makes you want him even more.

"It isn't fair on Cordelia." He tells you.

_It isn't fair on me_ , you think right back.

*

You kiss Willow. And then they find out. Cordy is mad. Oz is more.

Because he knows why you did it.

"There are easier ways to break up with people." He tells you.

But there isn't an easier way to make sure the man you love never wants to be near you again.

*

You sleep with Faith. Then she tries to kill you.

You deserve it.

*

You hate how Larry seems fine once he came out. He makes it look easy.

He makes you look weak.

*

You were going to tell them after the road trip. Wrote a speech and everything, not like you had anything else to do when washing dishes. But Buffy was sad and Willow was happy and for the first time in your pathetic life you didn't make it about you.

*

Anya grabs hold. Doesn't let go.

And you're sleeping together and dating and it is easy to be swept along.

*

When Oz leaves you can breathe easy for the first time in a year. You know nothing is going to slip.

*

Willow is gay.

So you can't come out now. Seem like your jumping on the band wagon, wanting to keep up with them.

You keep your mouth shut, leave it for later.

*

You leave Anya at the aisle.

Leaving her like this is better than killing her because you can't admit to being gay.

*

Sunnydale falls.

Now isn't a good time either.

Maybe once they've settled somewhere.

You think you maybe won't ever come out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
